IN SEARCH OF HAPPINESS…

Another poem….

Comments and Suggestions welcome!!

I want to be happy,
Yes, I want to be.
But no reason I find
And nothing seems fine.

Life is tough,
And mine is the toughest.
Others are happy
Coz they have causes to be.

Angry, I asked God,
“Why do I suffer?
Why should I endure pain?
Why is my life an ordeal?

You are partial,
To some you give everything,
And to some, nothing
Some you bless, some you curse.”

God said, “Look around child
A man with no eyes,
A kid with no parents
A woman with no legs

Observe the man sing.
See the kid dance.
Watch the woman paint.
Aren’t their lives tough?

They all have reasons to cry,
And yet they smile and shine
Life is about cherishing what you have,
Instead of crying over what you don’t.

I give everyone a chance to live,
a reason to smile, a reason to cry,
a reason to bloom, a reason to perish.
It’s you who choose what to do and what not to.”

Then I realized, happiness is within,
I have everything I deserve, so why crib?
I have a reason to smile, and so I will.
I have a reason to cry, yet I won’t.

I want to be happy,
Yes, I will be.
Coz million reasons I find,
And everything is just fine.

Cheers
Veens!

LONELINESS-POEM

Standing all alone,

Without you by my side,

I feel I am the only one,

Still alive on this ride.

The real journey of life,

Started only after I met you.

And then life was beautiful,

Filled with moments – wonderful.

The smiles, the hugs, the tears,

The fights, the love, the sears,

The morning walk, the evening dew,

Everything was as lovely as you.

And today, when you are away,

I have nothing more to say,

But just that ‘I miss you’,

More and more, every passing day.

Loneliness is a pain,

Which I never have known,

Until the day,

When you left me alone.

My life seems empty,

Without you to guide me.

My heart feels heavy,

Without you to love me.

My eyes are tired,

Searching for you.

My head aches,

Thinking of you.

I never knew, I would suffer so much,

Without you, as my clutch,

I have no one to run to,

I have no shoulder to cry on,

I have no one to talk to,

I have no lap to lie on.

The lonely days,

And the longing nights,

Seem harder to pass,

On this life’s flight.

Standing all alone

Without you by my side,

I feel I am the only one,

Still alive on this ride.

CONQUER YOUR FEARS…

FINAL STEP

“Hello Aunty. Yes, its Devesh here.” Devesh replied after a moment.

“How are you doing son? At this hour, usually it’s Adhiraa who answers the call. She isn’t sleeping yet, is she?” Adhiraa’s mom Nimi asked him.

“Aaaaa..ummm…..no aunty. She left for home today morning. She must be there soon.” Devesh replied as innocently as possible.

““What? She left? Anything wrong? You people had a fight?” Nimi asked sternly.

“Hmmm……yes aunty. I…..I suggest you take this up with her.” Devesh felt guilty now.

Adhiraa had told Nimi her thought of proposing Devesh, a few days back. Nimi knew that Devesh wouldn’t be so easy in accepting it. She sighed now that she knew the worst was over.

“Well, ok son..…..Just one thing, don’t let what others do or say spoil your day….and life. Life is full of today-s. Yesterday and tomorrow are just illusions. Live every moment rather that clutching the past or fretting about the future…..Hope what I said made sense! Will talk to you later” Nimi said.

“Bye Aunty.” Devesh said unhappily and replaced the receiver.

—–

Adhiraa held for a moment before knocking on the door of her home. She knocked.

Her mother answered it. “Hey baby! Come in. I have been dying to see you!” her mother said with a huge smile.

“Mo…Mommy…” for reasons that escaped Adhiraa, she started crying on seeing her mother.

“Oh baby, its ok! Don’t cry. Adhiraa cool down. PRRRRRRREEEEEMM come down” Nimi consoled her daughter as Adhiraa clung to her, and called out to her husband.

Prem came dashing out of his room.

“Mommy, Dev said he doesn’t want to marry me. He thinks I wouldn’t love his daughter in future. He thinks I would neglect her once I get my own child. How could he? He says he loves me but he doesn’t want to marry me. He doesn’t trust me. I hate him mommy.” Adhiraa broke into sobs as her mother raked her fingers through her daughter’s hair.

“Baby, he doesn’t know you well enough. He needs more time.” Nimi consoled her daughter with tears in her own eyes.

“Mommy, he has had so much time. Kavya was out of his life more than two years ago. And I have been with him for more than a month. His wound should have healed mommy. Time is the best healer of all, is what is said, right?” Adhiraa asked her mother.

“No honey. Love…., and not time…., is the best healer. Time plays a small part in healing wounds. Love is the vital and inevitable ingredient. You have given him love only for a month, while you had it from the moment you underwent the tragedy. We were here to protect you, to love you. But he fought it all alone. And now you go into his life all of a sudden and say I am here to love you, to give you a better life, it wouldn’t be that easy to accept it baby.” Adhiraa’s mom explained.

Adhiraa listened to her mom. She wanted so badly to believe all that her mother was saying.

“So he will come to me, after some time, is it?” Adhiraa wiped her tears and asked her mother.

“Yes sweetie. He will. Once he realizes and accepts that he can be loved again, wholly. Once he learns to trust again. You have done the loving. Now let time play its part. Trust me. Now, go and freshen up. We’ll go for a picnic.”

“Ok mommy. And I love you. I don’t know what I did to deserve you!” Adhiraa hugged her mother.

“Coming into our lives was all that you did, to deserve me baby.” Nimi held her daughter tight.

——

Adhiraa felt wonderful on being home. Her brother Yash and sister Prita tried all possible ways to keep her happy. She enjoyed their company immensely. They knew she was hurt. They helped her forget the pain.

But, Adhiraa missed Suhani and Devesh terribly. She longed to hold the baby in her arms. She couldn’t forget how it felt to hold her. Suhani had made her a mother. She felt empty without her. And many a time, her eyes filled up with tears. She longed for Devesh and Suhani.

A week had passed. But Devesh hadn’t called. He hadn’t even bothered to enquire about her safe reach to her home. She wanted to go back. She wanted to give all her love and affection to her child and Devesh. But she waited.

—–

Devesh was sitting in Adhiraa’s room. He felt miserable. He missed Adhiraa terribly. He had went into her room and cried silently over a hundred times over the past week. He was doing the same now.

Suhani was down with temperature. She refused to eat and sleep. Saaya was having a tough time with her. And Devesh couldn’t make Suhani’s ache ease either.

“Devesh” Saaya came into the room.

“Hey Saaya” Devesh wiped the tears and forced a smile.

“Why are you doing this Devesh?” Saaya asked him

Without thinking Devesh answered.“I am scared and scarred from the past Saaya. I just can’t forget it”

“Devesh. You are punishing yourself, Suhani and Adhiraa for Kavya’s mistake and selfishness. It doesn’t make any sense at all. She is living happily with a new family after breaking your heart. And you sit her mourning over her loss.” Saaya said.

Devesh felt that Saaya was right. But he did not want to accept it.

“I am not mourning over it. I am not able to think of a fresh start Saaya. I am afraid to begin a new life. I am frightened that my dreams would shatter once again.” Devesh said.

“C’mon Devesh. Don’t be such a coward. I thought you need some time to go back to Adhiraa. But as time is passing, you are doing nothing but making yourself wretched. Adhiraa had a bad past too. She overcame it. Why cant you?” Saaya demanded.

Devesh did not answer.

“Go for your life Devesh. Don’t let a bad past rule your life. You need to live it your way.” Saaya said.

Devesh was past arguments. He left the room with a heart that weighed pounds.

——

Adhiraa heard a faint knock on her door that evening as she was reading a novel in the hall. She got to the door.

“Oh……hmmmm……..hi. Welcome!” Adhiraa did not show the shock or surprise, as she let Devesh and Suhani in.

She desperately wanted to take Suhani from him. She wanted to hug Devesh and make sure he was real. Instead she walked to the hall. Devesh followed her.

“Sit down Devesh. How are you doing?” Adhiraa asked as Devesh comfortably sat on the couch with his baby sleeping in his arms. Devesh was unshaven and looked miserable.

Prem and Nimi had come to the hall and greeted Devesh.

“I am not doing good. And neither is Suhani. She hasn’t eaten or slept well for the past one week. And I have forgotten to smile, to be happy….….to live. We miss you.” Devesh told Adhiraa frankly.

Adhiraa was not sure how she should react to this open confession. She kept silent.

Devesh got up from his seat, went to Adhiraa.

“I am sorry Adhiraa. I was a fool to doubt your love for Suhani. The last one week, I thought a lot, about you, about us, about Suhani. And every time it seemed more right for you to be her Mother. I was so doomed about the past that I failed to see a bright future. I was more concerned about my past scars that the possible future stars.” Devesh admitted openly.

“ I don’t mind getting new scars, as long as it’s with you, or even because of you. I want to start a new life with you…and Suhani. Will you marry me?” Devesh looked into Adhiraa’s eyes.

Adhiraa could see he meant it. Relief washed over her. She felt light hearted and blessed. She wanted to cry with joy.

“Devesh……We will live happily forever……I promise.” Adhiraa took Suhani into her waiting arms and kissed her all over. Suhani woke up and cried. She was smiling in some time though.

—-

A month later….

“She will be happy right?” Nimi asked her husband the night before their daughter’s wedding.

They were in the lawn strolling. Neither of them was able to sleep, due to the excitement of the upcoming wedding. Devesh and Suhani had come a day before to their home to get ready for the grand occasion. Adhiraa was here for a month. She wanted to spend time with her family, before getting married.

“Yes, she will be” Prem assured her.

“She is my first child and I always will cherish her. I still remember when you brought her into our home the first time. She was one year old then. I thank my stars every moment for bringing her into our life and I thank her parents for passing this wonderful gift to us.” Nimi said with tears in her eyes.

“Yes honey, I remember all that too. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to give all the love to Adhiraa after you got conceived. But nothing changed. You and I remained the same. And our children bonded even better after they knew they weren’t siblings by blood. We are blessed.” Prem said to his wife.

“Yes, we are blessed because we love unconditionally. I hope and pray our daughter finds the same in her new family.” Nimi said and walked into the house with Prem.

—-

Devesh went numb as he heard the conversation between the couple. He and Adhiraa were in the lawn for a walk.

“You……You are adopted too?” Devesh exclaimed with disbelief.

“Yes, does it make a difference?” Adhiraa asked him with a shrug.

“Oh, no not at all. I just can’t ……..believe it. It doesn’t show…… I mean nothing felt odd…. Your mom, your dad your family as a whole……so normal……i never even imagined that this isn’t your real home……and that you don’t relate to them by blood….” Devesh said truly surprised, not able to find the words.

“Hey this is my real home. They are my family. I love them. They love me. Blood is thicker than water, true. But Love is the thickest of all. With love, you can conquer all! Don’t you agree? ” Adhiraa asked with a smile.

“I agree…..more than I ever could.” Devesh replied delighted.

—-

CONQUER YOUR FEARS

STEP 5

She went ahead to open the door while Devesh came out of his room.

She stared for a moment at the two figures standing on the doorway.

“Oh My Gosh!! What are you two doing here at this hour?” Adhiraa asked open mouthed as she blinked her eyes to make sure she wasn’t still dreaming.

“Oh baby, I was so worried about you.” Adhiraa’s mother Nimi hugged her tight.

“MMOOO….OOOO….MMMMMM” Adhiraa gasped for breath as she tried to get away from the tight clutches of her mother.

“Are you alright dear? Did they hurt you bad? …You should have come home… I couldn’t sleep all night.” Nimi was moving her hands over Adhiraa’s face to make sure her daughter wasn’t hurt.

“I am fit and fine mom. Please don’t worry. You shouldn’t have taken the trouble to come all the way.” Adhiraa said touched by her mother’s concern.

Adhiraa’s dad Prem stood silently letting his wife fire their daughter with questions, that she was asking him all through out their drive.

Adhiraa looked at him and caught him grinning.

“Oh dad!” Adhiraa hugged him “When did you start from home?” She asked him

“Your mom went wild when I told her what happened to you. I thought by telling her that at 10 pm, we might just spend a sleepless night at home, and I would manage that. But I was wrong. She wanted me to get your address from the phone number you called and we started around mid night from home. It was one hell of a drive for me!” Prem said looking at his wife.

“It was your fault. If you had told me as soon as Adhiraa called you up, we could have reached here by yesterday night.” Nimi protested.

Adhiraa smiled.

“Ok, now you two! Please come in. This is where am staying. He is Devesh, who helped me out when I was almost ready to start eating the bushes due to hunger. Devesh meet my mom Nimi and dad Prem.” Adhiraa introduced the couple to Devesh.

“Your daughter is safe her. No worries!” Devesh smiled at the couple as they exchanged hellos.

Later they were introduced to Harish, Saaya and Suhani as well. The rest of the day went as smooth as possible.

Nimi was relieved to find that Adhiraa had got over her fear for men in general and was taking Devesh and Harish quiet easily.

Both Prem and Nimi loved Suhani, her talks and her play.

By afternoon, Nimi and Prem were convinced that Adhiraa was safe and so started back home.

“She is a terrific mother. You have such a loving family!” Devesh said as Adhiraa stood at the door with Suhani in her arms waving to her parents.

“Yeah, I am lucky. I have a younger brother and a younger sissy too. They have promised to visit me soon. They had to attend some weekend classes this time. They are in college.” Adhiraa told Devesh.

Suhani was getting restless. She needed her dosage of cerelac. Adhiraa prepared the meal for Suhani while Devesh wondered whether her daughter would ever be lucky to get a close-knit and loving family.

—–

The next week went with Devesh getting back to work. Adhiraa and Saaya stayed at home. Harish went back to his advertising company and resumed work with a ‘why-the-hell-monday-comes’ mood.

Adhiraa loved Suhani more and more. They bonded so well together. They had grown fond of each other.

Adhiraa took Suhani with her to the shop, to the restaurant. They went to the park, they went for walks. Adhiraa started to understand Suhani’s ’gaageeguus’ better and Suhani started responding to Adhiraa’s talks as well.

—–

The following weeks were heaven for Adhiraa. She rushed back home early to spend time with Devesh and Suhani. Kavya and Harish played their part extremely well too. But, they were to move to a new city in another month as Harish had been transferred. Devesh had started looking for a crèche for Suhani.

It hurt Adhiraa to see Devesh and Suhani in such a state. Adhiraa loved them. She wanted to be a part of their life forever. It seemed so right. Adhiraa wanted to talk to Devesh about her feelings for him. But she knew he wouldn’t accept it. Not after all that he and his daughter had suffered. But still she had to try.

She had conquered her fears. Now it was his turn.

—–

“Devesh, have you decide to remain single through out your life?” Adhiraa asked him as they were putting Suhani to bed later that night.

“Yes undoubtedly, for Suhani’s sake.” Devesh said looking at Adhiraa.

“Even if I tell you I would take care of Suhani, I would love her the way I would love my own child. Devesh, I….I love you and….. I love Suhani. I want to make a family with you two. I will quit my job. I have always wanted to be a house wife and a good mother. I will be one. Will you marry me?” Adhiraa said overcoming her doubts.

The moment was caught in a whirl of time. Devesh stared at Adhiraa. He wasn’t surprised. He had already decided.

“I am sorry Adhiraa. Your opinion of me and Suhani, your love for us, doesn’t change my mind a bit. I never have or will marry any woman. I will never allow any woman to come into my family and spoil it, once again.” Devesh said strongly to Adhiraa.

“Please Devesh, you are still brooding over the past. You need to move on. Not all women are like Kavya. I love Suhani more than you ever can understand. She is more like my daughter. Even if I give birth to our child, Suhani will be my first one. I will love her forever.” Adhiraa pleaded.

“No Adhiraa. Please don’t complicate things than it already is. I have feelings for you. It’s something that I have never felt for a woman. Not even for Kavya. I know I have lost my heart to you. But for my selfishness I would never risk my daughter’s happiness. I could never even think of sharing my life with you. Kavya hurt me, I got over it. But if the same thing happens with you, I will never survive it. I wouldn’t deny that I love you. But I just can trust you. And let it remain at that. I don’t want to take it any further.” Devesh said with wet eyes.

Adhiraa listened. She never knew Devesh would find it so hard to beat the past and move ahead.

“Please Devesh, don’t this to yourself. Don’t this to me and Suhani. You have to trust me. Love is void without trust. “ Adiraa argued.

“Then I don’t love you either. Please Adhiraa. Let’s just forget it.” Devesh pleaded.

Adhiraa sensed the struggle in Devesh. He was trying hard not to break down. She could sense his love for her. It made her happy. But now she had to help him trust her.

“Devesh, just because you were hurt, you can’t stop loving or trusting. It is insanity. “ Adhiraa took Devesh hands in hers. He did not object.

“Devesh, just because you have failed, doesn’t mean you should quit trying. Life is all about small defeats and great victories. Don’t let a defeat prevent you from fighting again and winning. If you do so, you will stop winning….you will stop living.” Adhiraa tried to reason with Devesh.

“Adhiraa, I think you are wasting your time. I am happy the way I am. I just can’t trust you enough.” Devesh said.

Adhiraa lost her patience. She did not know what else to tell him to make him trust her. She was irritated and frustrated.

“Oh alright! You are a coward. You want to live in the past, not even knowing whether the future would be better or worse. You want to rob Suhani of a normal life, a life with a mother, just because some woman has already hurt you and her? Listen Devesh, hurting and getting hurt is a part of life. One can’t hold on to it. Life moves on, and so does a normal human! You make more memories, new ones, not just brood over the past mishaps…… I am sorry you weren’t trained on this.” Adhiraa spoke her face flushed with anger.

Devesh looked at Adhiraa, as she rushed out of his room.

—–

Devesh couldn’t sleep. Neither could Suhani…..Suhani was used to being lulled to sleep by Adhiraa.

It’s surprising, how many a times; a habit followed for years, can change in a short while, when practiced out of love and intimacy.

—–

Devesh woke up with a heavy head…a heavier heart. He went to the kitchen, for his cup of coffee from Adhiraa. He doubted that she would be waiting for him for their usual cup of coffee.

She is probably still in her room, Devesh thought as he entered the empty kitchen. On the dining table, he found a note. Fearing the worst, he opened it.

—–

Dev,

I am leaving to my city, my home. I thought this was mine. But I was wrong. Thanks for all the help. My many regards and thanks to Harish and Saaya too. And…I can never forget Suhani. My kisses to her.

Luv,

Adhi

—–

Devesh held the small paper in his hand. He frowned. Well, if Adhiraa thought that he would run to her, then she was wrong. He and Suhani could very well go ahead without Adhiraa. They had lived their life happily before Adhiraa came in. They would continue to do so.

Just then the phone rang. He went into the hall and answered it.

“Hello?” Devesh said

“Hi. Is this Devesh am speaking to? “ the voice on the other end demanded.

Devesh held on for a moment before answering it. This voice was familiar.

Then it struck. He wondered why she had called; of all the people.

—-

CONQUER YOUR FEARS…

STEP 4

This time the voice came out.

She continued to scream. The hands were still moving carelessly over her body. She felt tortured. Her heart and stomach curled into coils.

“Adhiraa…… Adhiraa, its ok sweetie. It’s just a dream. Cool down. Its ok.” Devesh was holding her. “Open your eyes. See, you are safe.” Devesh told Adhiraa in a soothing voice.

Adhiraa opened her eyes, struggling between the reality and the dream. She took a moment to convince herself that it was just a dream and that she was safe. Tears were running down her eyes.

Devesh wiped her tears. Adhiraa was still shivering. She could feel the hands over her body. It felt so real. She was sweating. Saaya brought in water while Harish stood beside Devesh.

“Here, have it dear. “ Saaya handed over the water to Adhiraa.

She drank it down. It was the night mare. Damn! She wanted to curse her memories.

“Oh, I am so sorry! I don’t know what triggered the dream. I am so sorry. My scream would have frightened you all.” Adhiraa said ashamed.

“Its ok dear. No problem. I will stay here until you are comfortable. You guys go to sleep. You must be tired from the visit to your home. ” Devesh said to Harish and Saaya. They did not argue and left.

“I am sorry Devesh. I thought that dream would never harass me again” Adhiraa said to Devesh as he sat beside Adhiraa.

Devesh nodded. “It’s ok dear. Do you want to talk about it?” Devesh asked Adhiraa taking her hands in his.

Adhiraa hesitated for a second. The touch got to her nerves. But Devesh’s hands were so soft, so comforting. In spite of the panic inside her, she let her hands to rest in his.

Adhiraa thought she had over come the trauma. She would never ever have to think of it.

Adhiraa looked at Devesh. She wanted to tell Devesh everything. She believed he would help her conquer her fears. But what if he was the reason for her fear? She was confused.

But she had to move on. She couldn’t keep running. Not from Devesh. For some reason, she wanted him to know all about her.

“Yes……I…..I was on my way to home after college. My boyfriend was with me. It was a Friday. We were in the weekend mood. We took a short cut that day. It was past 9pm and so a bit dark. We heard a scream suddenly…..My boyfriend got scared and insisted we go the other way but I wanted to help. I ran towards the scream. He followed me. And I saw a l girl of about eight or nine yrs being molested by two policemen. They were drunk; and were in their uniform. I couldn’t believe it. The little girl was struggling…..She was scared and hurt….I rushed to help her. The policemen turned towards me and forgot the girl. They were too drugged to think clearly, I suppose. “Adhiraa paused for a moment gulped down the remaining water and continued.

“I tried to fight them but I was no match to them. They were heavy. My boyfriend got two blows from them and he ran away. He never returned. They tied up my legs and gagged my mouth. I felt so small and ugly. Their touch killed every inch of mine. I started losing myself and my ability to struggle. It was horrible Devesh. They just kept playing with me as if I was a doll. The little girl managed to slip away and get some help but I was unconscious by then. “Adhiraa shuddered. Tears filled her eyes.

Devesh looked at her. He could see the pain in her eyes. Devesh resolved to find the men and screw them to glory. His grip tightened on her hands. Adhiraa closed her eyes to compose herself.

“It has been four years since it happened. The policemen were dismissed and imprisoned. The small girl and I were the witness; as well as the victim. My family helped me overcome the unpleasant incident….. I called up my boy friend a week later, and he told me that he doesn’t want our relationship to go ahead. He said I had become filthy and I wasn’t fit to be any one’s wife. It was such a blow. I wouldn’t say I was in love with him, but still the dumping part was so insulting. I felt…….I felt shameful for what happened to me .”

Devesh added Adhiraa’s boyfriend to the ‘screwing’ list. His anger was visibly clear in his red eyes.

Adhiraa sighed deeply as she recalled how her boy friend with whom she had been going around for two years had dumped her in no time, for no fault of hers. The story about her being molested had made headlines for a week. It was humiliating. She struggled, but still she fought.

Devesh waited for her to continue. She had undergone hell and had put up with it. Rarely do such woman exist.

“ I underwent counseling. It helped, but, I never could get that incident out of my mind. I never slept alone after that. I was too scared. Mom would always be beside me. From then on, I detested cops. In fact I detested men. I couldn’t even take my dad’s touch. My mom soothed me, consoled me. She used to talk to me hours together. She was no psychiatrist; but she did her job as a mother and that was the tonic. She brought me out of it slowly and easily. She is a gem. But for her, I wouldn’t have survived at all.” Adhiraa paused. She was missing her mom terribly.

Devesh could now see the fear replaced with love and affection in her eyes.

“Today, when u said you are a cop, I wanted to run away. I was so scared. But something held me back. I……” Adhiraa hesitated for a moment.“I am not scared of you. Don’t know why though….Else I wouldn’t have stayed in the same house with a policeman. And I am comfortable with your touch, just the way I am with my dad’s and brother’s. “ Adhiraa said slowly and looked at Devesh.

He was listening to her every word.

“But the darkness and loneliness brought all the memories back. I am such a coward. I would never be able to beat the past! It’s gonna haunt me forever….. “ Adhiraa said in a low voice.

Devesh looked at the woman in front of him with admiration and beamed.

“Hmmm, you are such a brave woman!” Devesh told Adhiraa.

Adhiraa stared blankly at him.

Devesh continued. “One thing, you put those policemen where they deserved to be – behind the bars. And secondly, you stopped on the highway today in spite of already being in danger when u stopped to help earlier?” Devesh asked her

Adhiraa thought for a moment. When she saw the man lying on the road, she did not have second thoughts about stopping to help him.

“It never struck me. I wanted to stop and help the man. I somehow forgot the pain I had undergone few years back while trying to do the same for a girl.” Adhiraa said.

“Right! So you are not a coward! You are such a daring soul. What happened to you in the past did not stop you from doing what you wanted to, in spite of you knowing the risks involved.” Devesh said with a smile.

“Hmmm… Right… But then why did the dream strike?” Adhiraa asked, a bit more confident about herself.

”When one is asleep and alone, he or she is the most vulnerable and at such time the mind is open. That’s why the haunting memories came back. It would happen to everyone. You are no exception. You have overcome the past. The subconscious mind has not. You can control your subconscious mind too…..with a bit of practice.”

“Huh? Practice?” Adhiraa asked Devesh.

“Yeah, practice. All you need to do is keep telling yourself that you have over come it. Nothing can scare you from now on. Keep telling it unless your subconscious mind accepts it. It will take some time. Every night before going to sleep, guard your mind. Say that nothing can scare you, nothing can harm you. It will help!” Devesh said to Adhiraa.

“Oh my god! Are you a psychiatrist or something?” Adhiraa asked Devesh.

Devesh smiled warmly “No dear. I have undergone training to roll back from trauma. I am just passing on the tips.” Devesh smiled at her.

Adhiraa thought whatever Devesh said did make sense. It was her sub conscious mind that was haunted. And she would set it right too. She hesitated before asking him another question.

“And……Devesh…..I…….I am not…mmmm…… filthy right?” Adhiraa asked without looking into Devesh’s eyes.

Devesh lifted Adhiraa’s chin and looked into her eyes “Not at all Adhiraa. What happens bodily to a human doesn’t ever touch or change the soul. The heart inside matters; the purity within is of significance. No one can make you feel filthy or low without your permission. What happened to you was bad, I agree, but it doesn’t at all make your incomplete or corrupt. The thoughts and the deeds are vital; not the looks or appearance. ”

Adhiraa smiled.

“Oh Devesh, I can’t tell you how much you have helped me. I feel really better. I could never talk about this feeling filthy even to my mom coz she would feel really bad about that. I told her that I dumped him coz he had run away the other day.” Adhiraa told Devesh.

“Its ok baby. I am glad I could get you out of it.”Devesh smiled and laid a kiss on Adhiraa’s forehead

The simple gesture had made Adhiraa’s heart flutter. Adhiraa looked at the clock. It was 6 am already! Thankfully it was a Sunday. She could sleep for some more time.

“Hey, I am ok now. Let’s get some sleep before Suhani wakes up. I wouldn’t want to miss a moment of her mischief.” Adhiraa smiled brightly.

“Sure baby. Sleep well.” Devesh said and left after switching off the lights.

—-

Adhiraa repeated all that Devesh had told her about practicing to keep the night mares away. She had resolved to stay here, with the family. She decided fearing the cops as a whole or men are foolishness.

And she resolved to overcome it. She drifted off to a peaceful sleep.

—-

TRRRRRRRRRRRRINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG went the calling bell a few minutes later..

Adhiraa eyes flew open. The bell was loud enough to replace a siren.

“Damn, who the hell is it so early in the morning. “ Adhiraa cursed as she got down from the comfort of her bed.

—–

CONQUER YOUR FEARS…

STEP 3

“Excuse me Devesh” Adhiraa came into his room where he was playing with his daughter.

She had decided that she would tell him she couldn’t stay so far away from the city or that she prefers staying where there are more houses in the surrounding or that she wouldn’t stay because ….something…. but she just wanted to move out of this house.

“Yes Adhiraa, tell me!” Devesh smiled.

He looked handsome…. and harmless. Holding his baby in one hand and a soft toy in the other, sitting on the floor in his shorts, he looked like a perfect father.

Adhiraa forgot his profession and dismissed her doubts. All her resolutions dissolved and were replaced by a want and a need that she had never felt before. She wanted to stay. Just for a day more! She needed to spend time with them. Just for a day more! This time, she listened to her heart.

She decided to keep her reasons and fears aside for some time.

“Huh..…I ….ummmm….Could I hold your baby for sometime??” Adhiraa asked.

“Oh sure…” Devesh handed over his daughter to Adhiraa after she was seated on the floor comfortably.

Suhani was all smiles and Adhiraa couldn’t help smiling back at her. She was the cutest creature Adhiraa had ever seen. Black curly hair, huge and pallid cheeks, small nose and pink lips. She was plump and was adorned in a pink frock.

“Hey Devesh, isn’t it difficult for you to bring up Suhani all by yourself?” Adhiraa asked as she stroked Suhani’s cheeks.

“Oh, not at all Adhiraa. I love her, and that’s what drives me! But as she grows up, she will need a mother. It worries me! For now Saaya takes care of her while I am on work. But she can’t forever be there.” Devesh said thoughtfully.

“Hmmm, that’s true…why didn’t you get married again?” Adhiraa asked him.

“Hmmm, coz I don’t want to. I don’t think anyone could love Suhani the way her real mother would.” Devesh said.

“Hey, that’s not a fair statement to make. A mother is a mother to every child. She is the most self less creature who doesn’t show love in installments or with conditions apply. A mother is god like, who would love a child, be it, from her womb or not.” Adhiraa said with confidence.

“Oh, you think so? I disagree!” Devesh said more to himself.

“Why so?” Adhiraa wanted to know.

“It’s a long story.” Devesh said

“I have all the time in the world.” Adhiraa said with determination.

Devesh stood up and walked to the window. Adhiraa preferred sitting on the floor with Suhani and watch busily toying with a doll.

“Well, I and Kavya got married three years back. It was an arranged one. And some six months later we discovered Kavya would never be able to conceive. I convinced her to adopt a child and she reluctantly agreed. Kavya thought she wouldn’t be able to love someone else’s child. But still, she agreed. Suhani is the child we adopted, when she was just a month old. From then on, Suhani was Kavya’s world. She wouldn’t leave Suhani’s side at any cost. “

He paused briefly to brush away the grief that clouded him. He took a deep sigh and continued.

“A month or so later, Kavya got pregnant. And all her love was replaced by hatred for Suhani. She started pressurizing me to give back Suhani to the orphanage. I kept saying that it would be the worst thing to do. She started neglecting Suhani. I had to appoint a nurse to take care of Suhani. Kavya fought with me daily. She said she does not want to bring up Suhani when she could have a child of her own. She filed for divorce. She wanted me to choose between her and Suhani. I chose Suhani. We divorced. She delivered a boy…. My son is with her now. She has re married. But I never could. The thought of someone mistreating Suhani still scares me. I never can let anything of that sort happen to her. I miss Kavya. But Suhani and my love for her helps me keep me going.” Devesh heaved a sigh and wiped away a tear from his eyes.

A woman, so heartless Adhiraa thought. Adhiraa looked at Suhani and wondered how anyone could mistreat this angel.

“Hey Devesh, Kavya did not have the courage to call some one else’s child as hers. She would never become a true mother. Her character prevented her from showing love without a bias. But all women are not like that! Please don’t generalize.” Adhiraa said to Devesh.

He just smiled. Adhiraa knew he wouldn’t be convinced, easily. His heart was shattered and wounded.

Adhiraa turned to look at Suhani.

“Hi baby, you are such a beauty. You are gonna have a long queue of guys waiting to date you, by the time you finish your high school.” Adhiraa said as she tickled Suhani.

Suhani giggled along with a few ‘gaaaagageeeggeees’.

Adhiraa did not want to leave Devesh and Suhani. But she couldn’t stay either.

She instantly formed a bond with them. She wasn’t sure what had started it. But she did not want to break the bond.

Tomorrow, she would leave, no matter what. One evening with them wouldn’t harm her.

Harish and Saaya went to meet Harish’s parents. Devesh cooked dinner, while Adhiraa played with Suhani.

The evening went in a jiffy and Adhiraa had never felt more at home.

She still felt at times her dread creep up and tell her to leave the home immediately. She pushed the fear back and continued to enjoy her last evening with the family.

—-

It was dark; very dark. She remembered crawling under the covers to get a good night’s sleep after a tiring day. But now, she was perspiring suddenly. Adhiraa was scared. She looked around. She was in her room but some strange masculine smell had filled the room. And she smelled alcohol. She panicked.

She wanted to run. But her legs were tied. She wanted to scream. But her mouth was gagged. A huge hand approached her perspiring face. It started caressing her while she struggled to get away from it. She could not see the face. Her vision blurred with tears. The hand stopped at her neck and pressed. She violently shook herself in a vain attempt to get out of the reach of the hand. The hand was rough and hard and huge. It followed further down her body.

She screamed like crazy.

—-

CONQUER YOUR FEARS…

STEP 2

Adhiraa woke up just as their car took a turn to pass a gate. Devesh parked his car, got down, took the bag and helped Adhiraa get down. She was still limping but the pain had eased now. Her head felt better. The hit had not harmed her much, thankfully.

Devesh rang the bell and waited.

The house was beautifully constructed, with a garden. The neighboring houses were scarce. The location was calm.

“Hey man, what took you so long?” Harish asked Devesh as he opened the door and cast a look at Adhiraa.

Harish’s wife joined him at the door with a speculative look.

“Meet Adhiraa…. she was mugged at the high way, so I stopped to help her. This is my friend Harish and his wife Saaya. Hope that answers your curiosity! Now please let us in!” Said Devesh looking at Harish and his wife.

“Oh, pleased to meet you Adhiraa. Please come in and make yourself comfortable.” Harish said warmly moving inside the house. Adhiraa smiled.

Adhiraa looked around. The house was cozy and warm. Fairly furnished.

“Harish and Saaya, please stop looking at me as if I have kidnapped her. She is here on her own. I swear!“ Devesh said and kept Adhiraa’s bag on the sofa.

“Ok ok fine! We were just puzzled coz u have never brought a female in here!” Saaya said and smiled.

“Oh yeah!! I am planning to bring in one everyday from now on. Now, can you please show Adhiraa to the bedroom? She might need to freshen up. And give her a balm, she has sprained her leg” Suggested Devesh.

Adhiraa felt good at hearing that she was the first woman Devesh had brought home.

Saaya shot Devesh an objectionable look. He shrugged his shoulders and grinned to prove that he was kidding about ‘bring-a-girl-everyday-home’ part.

“Ahh, I need to call my home before that. They would be worried” Adhiraa said

“Oh sure, there’s the phone” Devesh pointed to it.

Adhiraa looked at Devesh. His strong features, his humble nature, and friendly attitude everything made Adhiraa happy and feel secured. She felt so much at home already!

But she shouldn’t be feeling this way, she told herself. She should not trust someone so easily! Still struggling to figure out why she was feeling the way she was, Adhiraa walked towards the phone and dialed her dad’s mobile number.

—-

The lunch was ready by the time Adhiraa freshened up. The pain was diminishing, thanks to the balm. Everyone sat at the table to eat.

“So, what did your parents say?” Saaya asked Adhiraa.

The food was delicious.

Adhiraa answered as she continued to chew on the parantha “Hmm, my dad wanted me to come back home right away!! I convinced him that I am safe here. I don’t think he trusts me though! My mom is gonna create a scene when dad tells her what happened to me! Anyways, I have a friend of mine living in here who promised to arrange for an accommodation. I got to see how it works out “Adhiraa said more to herself.

“Oh, we were looking at renting the extra room in here, to someone. If it pleases you, you could stay here with us. Something like a PG. You would need to travel at least an hour to reach the city though!” Saaya suggested.

“Oh, thank you! I appreciate this so much. I don’t mind travelling. I need to find out where my office is though.” Adhiraa said happily.

They spoke about the rent, terms and conditions of the stay. Adhiraa would get breakfast and dinner at home too. Saaya was a great cook, she gathered from just one meal! Adhiraa couldn’t have asked for more.

She started to thank Devesh “I …..”

Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhboooooooohhhhhhooooooooooooh….

Adhiraa was quiet for a moment wondering whether she had imagined the cry!

“Oh ho, my baby needs me” Devesh hurried to finish his lunch.

Adhiraa looked at Devesh puzzled “Yo…..Your baby?”.

“Suhani is my two year old daughter.” Devesh announced munching his last parantha.

Adhiraa’s face flushed with anger and disappointment. No wonder he hadn’t brought any woman to his home. He was married.

Adhiraa wondered why she was getting angry. She had met this man barely two hours ago. But still she couldn’t deny the fact that she started liking him instantly for no visible reasons.

“Oh…. and your wife….?” Adhiraa asked with a pang of jealousy.

“She doesn’t live with me anymore. I am a divorcee.” Devesh said.

“Oh…… I am sorry.” Adhiraa said a bit relieved. Oh boy! This was good news. She was happy. But she couldn’t understand why.

Devesh smiled “Its ok!”

Everyone finished their lunch. Saaya and Harish cleaned the table while Adhiraa and Devesh went to check Suhani.

“So, what’s the plan? What are you here for?” Devesh asked Adhiraa as he lifted Suhani from the cradle.

Adhiraa wanted to hold the baby. She looked so cute.

Adhiraa watched Devesh as he patted Suhani’s back and walked to the hall. Adhiraa followed him.

“Oh, I am here for a job. I am an interior decorator and was recently hired by a construction company here in the City. “ Adhiraa said.

“Great! So when do you have to join?” Devesh asked.

“I am supposed to join from next week. I came early to look for an accommodation. How about you? What do you do?” Adhiraa asked.

“I am a cop. I take off on weekends to be with Suhani unless there’s an emergency.” Devesh confided and continue playing with his daughter. He did not notice the frustration that materialized on Adhiraa’s face.

Adhiraa shuddered. This couldn’t be true. Of all the things, why did he have to be a cop? But that did not change a thing. She hated cops. She could never even think of spending a minute more with him. She hurried towards her room.

———–

Adhiraa packed her things. She couldn’t stay with a cop. No way! She had to get away. She could stay in a hotel or somewhere. She had to get her car first. She would ask for one last favor from that cop. She went to look for him.

———-

CONQUER YOUR FEARS

STEP 1

It was Saturday. Devesh was driving at a normal speed, listening to his favorite number on the stereo. It was a hot day, very hot one indeed. The highway seemed deserted, but for the dust on the roads. He opened the Coke can to gulp it down. It would take him one more hour to reach his destination. The car’s ac had given up on him. He cursed it and continued to drive.

The first thought that occurred to Devesh on spotting the lifeless figure coming out of the bushes was, ‘Oh, I am hallucinating’!

She was wearing a white gown and her hair was messed up, she looked sick and half-dead.

Devesh stopped, confused. Took a reverse and went to the spot where he had seen her. He got down and met her eyes. He saw relief in them. Next moment, she fainted.

He rushed to his car, took out the coke, went to her and sprinkled it on her face. She opened her eyes blinking away the coke, looked frightened on seeing him and started to get up from his lap.

“Hey, it’s ok! I am Devesh and I am not gonna hurt you!” Devesh assured her.

Adhiraa looked at him. He didn’t look like someone who could cause harm. She couldn’t be sure though. She wanted to get away from the place as soon as possible. She wanted to sleep…..No she couldn’t sleep now! And who was this stranger holding her like some precious glass piece? Damn, she couldn’t pass out now!

“Hey what’s your name? And how did you end up here? Hmmm… Just hold on I will take you to a hospital!” saying this Devesh threw away the coke can.

She shook her head.

“Mmmmm….I am Adhiraa. I…I don’t need a doctor.….Just a bit of rest will do!” Adhiraa said struggling to keep her eyes open.

“Oh ok fine. I’ll take you to my car. The ac is not working, but the cushion will be a better place to sit on than the road. Do you think you will be able to walk?” Devesh asked and helped Adhiraa get up.

“My leg is sprained. But I think I can manage… with your help.” Adhiraa said.

Devesh helped her to walk to the car. Adhiraa felt better after sitting in the car.

Adhiraa looked at Devesh, he was dressed in a jean and a casual shirt. His car looked like ages old.

“What happened to you?” Devesh asked her with concern.

“Oh, I was driving to the city. Ummmm….I saw a man lying on the road and a bike fallen down, I thought he was hurt……and stopped to help him. But, now I am the one who needs help…….. They were robbers I guess. A man and a woman, hiding behind the bushes, popped out ….. Dragged me to the bushes and hit me hard……..real hard. If they wanted to rob me, they could have done it without hitting me…..Ouch….. My head still hurts. They must have heard your car coming ……..The three of them drove off in their bike. ” Adhiraa finished.

“Oh man! That’s terrible. So, where are you heading to? I could drop you there.” Devesh suggested.

“Huh…What about my car?” Adhiraa said after a moment.

“Oh …..! Well, my house is an hour’s drive from here. I live on the outskirts of the city with my friend’s family. You could freshen up there and we can come back and get your car once you are normal. I don’t think you can drive in this condition” Devesh suggested.

Adhiraa wondered whether she could trust this guy. It was just a matter of an hour. She was not going to trust him, but just buy some time. The highway was deserted and her head was spinning like crazy.

“Yeah, I think that’s fine with me. I will need to get my baggage out of the car and lock the car…” Adhiraa said.

“Just hold on. I’ll get it.” Devesh said and left.

He returned with a heavy bag panting.

“I am sorry, it’s heavy!” Adhiraa said as Devesh dropped the bag on the back seat.

“You bet it is!” Devesh said and started the car.

Adhiraa slept off, while Devesh drove.

—–

“Hmm Adhiraa…Will you have something to eat or drink?” Devesh woke her up.

They had stopped in front of a hotel, which looked more like a hut.

“Oh…..am sorry…. I slept off! Ah yes a coffee would help. I am hungry!” Adhiraa said rubbing the sleep off her eyes.

“Okie, I’ll get it for you.” Devesh said and was back with a coffee and a bread packet in less than ten minutes.

“Thanks Devesh. You are over doing your part. Really…” Adhiraa said sipping the coffee.

“Hey, no problem at all. I just am glad I passed by. Else those people might have robbed you off everything.” Devesh said with concern.

“Yes, it scares me to even think of it. You saved me.” Adhiraa smiled.

Devesh sensed contempt in her eyes even as she said it. She didn’t want to be saved?! Or maybe he had imagined that look in her eyes.

“Yeah, you bet I did. Anyways, my house is just another 20 minutes drive. You rest while I drive.” Devesh said with a grin and started the car.

—-

He put on some melody.

Adhiraa looked at Devesh. He concentrated hard on driving. He looked dashing with a sweat forming on his brow. He looked strong. He was an extrovert, but had his reservations. She wanted to find out the reasons.

Oh…… What was she thinking? Adhiraa held on a moment to clear her head? She not only had trusted this guy in no time but also wanted to know more about him! Dumb girl. The hit on her head must be giving her such silly thoughts. She felt dizzy. She slept off.

—-

Devesh found Adhiraa extremely intriguing. He wanted to talk to her and know more about her. But he did not want to scare her with too many questions.

She already looked scared and reluctant. There was suspicion in her eyes. She was so sure that he would hurt her, even without giving him a second glance. Her eyes were shadowed with distrust.

He continued to drive with these thoughts and thanked God that he was on this way back home from a duty call, and met Adhiraa just at the right time and the right place.

—–

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